Sex and Violence
by Mistress Sorcha
Summary: Tags for the end of Sex and Violence...What if it had gone a different way....what if instead of burying the hurts, Dean confronts Sam...
1. Turn On A Dime

**Tags for the Episode "Sex and Violence"...**

What if the end had gone a different way...(as in yes, this is an AU...)

I do not own Supernatural (sadly enough) nor the characters (also sadly enough...). I am merely borrowing them. Kripke owns all my toys, damn him....

Without further ado...

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**Chapter 1:**

**Turn On A Dime…**

"Dean…..you know…what I said back there…I didn't really mean it…I…we were both under the Siren's influence…and well…I…I didn't mean what I said." Sam said with a sigh, cautiously stealing a glance in his brother's direction…Dean was silent, his head lowered, contemplating something that was leaving an obviously bad taste in his mouth, so to speak…"Dean?..." he repeated quietly, the worry pervading his questioning tone…

"I heard you Sam…" he said, not looking up…

Sam nodded sharply and lowered his head…he knew Dean had something on his mind, something he was having a hard time saying. Sam knew better than to push him. He would only talk when he was ready…

Dean closed his eyes for a moment, drawing in a deep breath. He had never been one to talk incessantly about what he was feeling, but he couldn't keep this inside in anymore, especially after all that had been said under the Siren"s spell. He thrust his hand into his pocket, taking one last deep breath to steel his nerves…

"Sam…about what I said…I meant it…every word of it…" he said, his voice breaking off into silence for a moment as he felt Sam's body tense and his head snap to look in his direction. He could tell Sam was about to say something, but he wasn't finished, so he interrupted Sam before he could get started…

"Sam…I just need to get this out…dude….we need to talk…" he stopped to swallow hard, his throat rapidly becoming dry…."I meant what I said Sam…and I think you did too…Siren or no Siren, I think we've both been holding in things and not dealing with them like we should have…Sammy…I'm worried about you…you aren't the same Sam I raised…I don't blame you, I'm not the same as I was then either…I would be fooling myself if I thought that was even remotely a possibility for either of us. I don't know what's gonna happen from one day to the next and I guess I kinda just hung on to the notion that you were the one constant, unchanged thing in my life…but you're not…and it's not about the psychic stuff, I know you didn't ask for it…that you didn't ask for the demon blood…I know that, and even though those things worry me and scare the crap out of me, I can deal with them. What's really worrying the hell out me is the secrets…the lies…the acting completely outside of your self…those things aren't you. They never were. It's not you and it scares me to think that you aren't who I thought you were. And then, there's whatever you're hiding…It's got something to do with your powers, I know it does, because all of a sudden your powers are getting much stronger then they ever were before. I also know that whatever it is, it must be really bad if you would go to such great lengths to keep it from me…Sam, you know what Cas said…what Uriel said…Sam, they have wiped entire civilizations off the map…they aren't going to hesitate to kill you dead to stop you. Even with that, I have to confess something. I know what it feels like…to have power over others…At first you think, well I'll only use it a little, I won't let it get out of hand. But then that line you set to not cross…gets crossed…So you move it back and swear to yourself you won't cross it again…but you do…Again…and again…and again you cross it…because power like that…is addicting. You find yourself doing things…" he choked, his mouth devoid of moisture, tears streaming slowly down his face, their searing trails almost painful over his tightly clenched jaw muscles. He pushed himself on, knowing he had to finish this…"…you find yourself doing things…that you never in a million years would have thought you would do…or could do…Sam…I didn't, I couldn't tell you about Hell…because deep down…I…I knew…if I did…then you would see what a monster I let myself become…what monster that I am…I couldn't…let you see what the man you used to look up to…was actually capable of…I wanted…no, I needed to think you still looked up to me like you did when you were little, but I don't deserve that, not any more. You were right Sammy…I'm weak. I always have been. I mean I couldn't even last a couple of days without you after you died…I went out and did something that went against everything we know, everything we were taught. I ended up becoming just like dad. You…you were always stronger...alway willing and able to stand up for yourself...to fight for what you wanted…I think dad saw that about you…even when you and him were fighting, he still loved you…he still thought of you as a son and not just a soldier...not like me...not like the mindless, worthless soldier I was..." he trailed off, letting his shaking body collapse forward in utter dejection as he unclenched his desperately aching muscles, his shoulders hunched and his tear-filled eyes closed as he reached into his jean pocket. He retrieved the keys to the Impala, his shaking hands registering the feel of the cold metal against his skin. The weight of them in his palm caused memories to stir in his mind, some of them fond, others, not so much…. Dean's eyes slid closed as he bit down on his bottom lip. His eyes burned beneath their sheaths of skin. After a long moment, he opened them, and turning, he walked toward the trunk. He slid the key home, the trunk lithely springing up. He clutched up his duffle, swinging it onto his shoulder before closing the trunk. He willed his shaking legs to carry him to his brother's side once again. He reached out and grabbed Sam's wrist. Sam's tear-streaked face turned toward him, his glistening golden brown eyes latched on to his big brother's before shifting to look to the duffle. His eyes returned and his brow furled, tears welling heavily…

"You were right Sam…you don't need me…" Dean said, his breath catching for a moment. He knew he needed to say one final thing. "Goodbye Sammy…" he pressed the keys into his brother's palm and curled his lengthy fingers tightly over them. He held onto his brother's hand for a just a few more moments before letting go and striding away, his drooping form making his strides heavy…ungainly…Dean bit down on his lip and fought the urge to turn back. He rounded a corner, leaving Sam's line of sight…

Sam shook with terrible guilt and sadness. He stood there for a moment, unable to process what had just happened. Then, with a dreadful spike of pain in his chest, reality came slamming back down onto him.

"Dean!!..."he cried out, his heart hammering in his chest… "Dean!!!!!!!!!!!!...." he screamed…no answer…He ran forward to the corner of the building that Dean had disappeared around…

"Dean!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...." he bellowed, as he rounded the corner, but there was no one there to hear his cries. His big brother was gone. Nothing but the empty street tumbling off into the distance before him…He leaned heavily against the wall, his arms out to brace himself as shuddering sobs gripped him. He slammed he fist violently against the brick. He cried out as white-hot pain ricocheted through his arm, radiating thunderously through his muscles and nerves. He gasped deeply at the pain. Gripping his wrist, he turned and collapsed heavily against the wall, sliding to a jarring stop as he made contact with the ground. The feel of the keys clutched in his palm beneath the flesh of his quite probably fractured wrist brought it all home in his mind. He shook with sadness…with regret…with shame…He closed his eyes and bowed his head as tears slid unabated down his face and throat. He shook his head, the words bubbling up out of his parched throat…

"Dean…I'm sorry….I didn't mean…I didn't mean it…I'm sorry…Dean…please come back…I didn't mean it…" he whispered out as he broke into sobbing gasps. Dean was gone, and he had no one else to blame but himself and his own wicked heart. Everything he had said, he should have said to himself, but instead, he lashed out on the one person he loved…Siren or no Siren, he had broke a trust and without it, he had torn down his own world around him. He deserved Hell, but his brother had taken that pain for him…and it had destroyed him, left him hanging on by a thread…

Sam gagged bitterly thinking about what he had said, the horrible words rang through his mind with out end. Dean…he had to find him, to apologize. He snorted in a bitter little laugh. He could never apologize enough and he knew it. Any apology he gave would only serve to assuage his own guilt. _**How very selfish of me**_, he thought…

He knew he couldn't let his brother be all alone in this world, he didn't deserve that. Sam stumbled, standing awkwardly. He struggled to right his muscles, to overcome the ungainly shuffle he was caught in. He scrambled into the car. He had to find him…He had to find Dean, before it was too late. He slid the key home in the ignition, turning over the engine into a thrumming rumble of a purr. He turned to look back as he backed around, then shifted to drive and surged off after his brother…

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Another cliffie!!!

Remember...Patience is a virtue....not one of mine, but still......

*evil grin*


	2. Swallowed Up In A Black Hole

**Chapter 2:**

**Swallowed Up In A Black Hole…**

Sam couldn't get over that last few moments in his brother's presence…he couldn't over that look he had seen…the look of absolute and total desolation, gleaming with deathly brightness in his brother's tear-filled, jade-colored eyes. Sam choked down a sob, thinking again about what he had said inside that seedy hotel room just a few short hours ago…not only what he had said, but how he had said it...every word said in just such a way to stab deep in his brother's heart, turning the blade viciously to cause as much hurt and anguish as he possibly could. Sam knew full-well just how to slip around the protective walls Dean had built around himself. Sam was the only one who, without a doubt, knew exactly how broken and lost his brother was behind the walls...how wounded he had always been. Dean had struggled to keep up the pretense that the walls were as solid as they had always been and he was fine, but Sam knew better...and what had he done with that knowledge? He had used it to destroy the last remaining piece of himself that his brother had been able to salvage after Hell.

"…_You wanna know **why** I didn't tell you about Ruby? And how we're hunting down Lilith?...Because you're too **weak** to go after her, Dean…**You're holding me back**…**I'm** a better hunter then **you** are…**Stronger**,…**smarter**…I can take out demons you're too **scared** to go near…You're too busy sittin' around, feelin' **sorry** for yourself, **whining** about all the souls you tortured in Hell…**Boo hoo**…**You're not standing in my way anymore**…"_

Sam's eyes burned with hot tears, but he refused to let them fall. He didn't deserve self-pity. He deserved to drown in his wickedness for breaking his best friend, his big brother. He deserved Hell for finishing the job started by their own father, all those years ago, for the job that had been brought home by 40 years of Hell…and he, Sam Winchester, had been the one to sever the tie that tethered his broken, tormented brother to anything that meant anything at all to him anymore. He had severed the tie that meant more to him than he could or would ever express.

All those years ago, when their father, already a damaged man in his own right, having been through the Hell of war, who had only really begun living again when he had started his life over with his wife. She had given him his whole world, in the form of a family he could love whole-heartedly. When the demon had come, the Yellow-Eyed bastard he had ripped away that piece of John's heart and soul that kept him tethered to hope and light and had plunged all of them into the unending darkness. When his father had thrust Sam into Dean's arms, commanding him to take care of his brother, it was then that Dean's own soul had begun to die. Any part of himself that he would have used to be his own person, to follow his own dreams, had been torn away that very night…

Sam knew his brother had given every single piece of himself to his family, sacrificing himself time and again to put back together their broken world. He pushed his own life so far away that he felt completely unworthy of ever having it. Sam knew, looking back now, that all he had ever shown his big brother, despite everything that had been done for him, was pure and utter selfishness. He had taken for granted that Dean would always just take care of his little brother's needs. That he would do what he was conditioned for and put his all into satisfying Sam first and foremost. Sam had questioned him, when he had found out about the deal…asking how he could do it, how he could be so willing to give his life away. Sam hadn't even considered that his big brother had none to give. No life of his own. Everything he was wrapped up in his little brother. No one had ever told him it should be any different. Dean had always just accepted that he was a tool to be used, to form the shape of Sam Winchester. His father had used him, given him the task of shaping Sam, made him his brother's keeper…and Dean had never questioned it, thinking that that was all he was good for. He was just a tool…just a soldier…never a son.

Tears singed meandering tracks down his cheeks, and Sam let them come as they willed, because they were not for himself. They were for Dean. Sam gnawed his lip incessantly, worrying a deep enough hole to draw blood…he had seen the look in Dean's eyes as he said those hateful words. Word after word, he could see Dean die a little bit more, and still, he kept going… hammering down on him with blow after blow of pure venomous spite. He knew, deep down, that nothing Alastair ever could have done, nothing he had endured, could ever had tortured Dean as much as what he himself did to Dean. Even before that fateful meeting, he had abandoned Dean. Oh, he put up a show of caring, asking Dean about Hell, prying into his brother's nightmare of a life, but it hadn't really been about Dean…it had been about himself. It was always about him…Sam, Sam, Sam…all about him. To know what fate held for him when he went downstairs himself.

_**There's no coming back from this**_, he thought…it was like Dean had said, so long ago, when he allowed himself a moment of vulnerability while sitting against the Impala after their father had died…

"_**So tell me Sammy…what could you possibly say to make that ok**_…?"

Sam swallowed hard, slamming his hand harshly down on the steering wheel in frustration, pain ratcheting up his body and radiating from his head to his toes as he remembered now the fact that he had probably already fractured his hand before he got into the car. He pulled over, tears coming hard and fast now as he rode out the waves of pain undulating in his misfiring nerves. He had been looking for Dean for hours…he had lost track of time, he no longer had any sense of direction or will besides finding his big brother. God, how he wanted him back… He wanted to tell him everything…to beg his forgiveness, though he knew he didn't deserve it…He wanted to beg him to help him stop what he was becoming, what he had willingly taken in while his brother lay cold in the ground and his soul writhed on the rack…

"Dean…" he sobbed quietly.

"Dammit, Dean…where are you? Please, don't leave me again…please…" he said as racking sobs overtook him again and he lay his head against the hard shape of the steering wheel.

_**It's what you deserve…you know it is…it should have been you in Hell...it should have been you tied tight to that rack, screaming in agony**…_he thought bleakly.

"Dammit!!! I know!!!!!" he screamed at himself. "I know it should have been me!!!!! Fucking always should have been me!!!!! I'm fucking evil!!! And Dean is the most worthy, selfless man I know…and look…look how I treat him…look at what I did to him….I fucking destroyed him!!!" Sam bellowed into the cab of the Impala, Dean's baby. He slammed his wound hand down again and again, his eyes rolling back as the white-hot knives of pain pulsed up his body over and over again. _**I deserve this…this and so much more**…_he thought, as he settled the throbbing appendage down on the wheel again.

Sam gritted his teeth. It was nightfall already and he was getting nowhere…he pulled into the lot of a dank, corrupted-looking motel. He paid for a room and dragged himself inside.

_**Bobby….I need to call Bobby…he'll tell me what I should do…**_

He collapsed down on the bed, pulling out his cell phone. His wounded hand still throbbed ceaselessly, swollen and bruising even more before his very eyes…_**Well if it wasn't broke before, it damn sure is now**…_he thought absently and the dial-tone sounded briefly. As it kicked over into ringing, he found himself holding his breath…

Click..,"Sam? What the Hell, boy? I just saw you a half a day ago…What the Hell kinda trouble could you possibly have gotten into already?" Bobby growled out into the receiver.

Sam swallowed hard, willing himself to breathe. "Bobby, it's Dean…" he choked out.

"Whata ya mean 'It's Dean'…? Has something happened to him? What's going on, Sam? Dammit boy, talk to me!!!" Bobby howled gruffly into the phone.

"He's…he's gone Bobby…he took off…." Sam's voice gave out and he swallowed several times to will some moisture into his arid, parched throat. "I was trying to apologize for the awful things I said…trying to tell him I didn't mean any of it…but he…he started talking and he…he…he grabbed his duffle and he handed me the keys to the Impala and he walked away…" Sam's voice gave out into a sob and he couldn't talk anymore.

"Godammit!!!!" Bobby broke off, muttering a string of curses that could make a sailor blush followed by a few choice words about their father…"…Damn you John, turning him into the God damn walking wounded and living dead, God damn stubborn hard-headed bastard…Dean definitely got that nasty little number from you, you selfish bastard…" Sam could hear him going off in the background.

"Bobby?..." he choked out hoarsely.

A seep sigh resonated through the phone as Bobby worked to calm himself down…"Yeah Sam, I'm still here……." He broke off for a second and Sam could hear him in the background again…"…dammit boy, I told you not to take what was said when you were under the poison to heart…" Bobby was muttered.

"Bobby, I don't know what to do…his phone is off, so I can't trace him, he's not in any bar or craptastic hotel or motel that I could find…he just disappeared…Please, Bobby…tell me we can find him…" Sam broke off again, he couldn't, he wouldn't voice what else was gnawing away at him…

"Sam? Where are you son? I'm only a few hours out, I stopped to visit an old friend on the way home…" Bobby said, his voice quiet, but firm, like he was gentling a frightened horse…

"I'm in the next town over, about 7-8 miles up the highway from where we were…I'm in room 13 of the Shadow Pine Motel…" he said quietly.

"Ok, son, hold tight. I'll be there soon and we'll go drag your fool brother back, kicking and screaming if we have to…" Bobby said, speaking up a little as he kicked over the engine of his car. Sam waited for a second for the throaty purr to level out so he could hear Bobby. He swallowed hard. He knew he had to tell him, 'cause Bobby would get it out of him anyway…

"Bobby?...There's something else…I…um…when he put the keys in my hand, he…um...well, it was like the lights were on and nobody was home…he was just empty...just not even present inside anymore...I…I think he…I think he might hurt himself, Bobby…" Sam all but sobbed outright.

"Sonofabitch!!!…dammit Dean…." He said, his exasperated tone doing little to cover the horror of thought of watching the boy that was like a son to him dying again….

"I'm coming Sam…trying contacting that damn angel of his…maybe he knows where Dean's gotten himself to…if he won't come, we can try the summoning spell I used before…Sam…I don't want you to worry…we'll get your brother back…and then I'm gonna throttle him ten ways from Tuesday for being sucha damn fool…." Bobby said, making sure to put as much conviction into his voice to hopefully reassure Sam enough to stave off a breakdown on the boy's part.

"Alright, Bobby…I'll be waiting….thanks, man…" Sam said, hanging up before he could hear if there was a reply. He dropped the phone on the bed beside him, dragging his rough palm over his face…he stopped abruptly…it was such a Dean mannerism that it hurt in his heart to even think about it…

Sam willed himself to not fall apart. He had seen it…he had known when Dean had walked away…Dean was leaving him so he could _**leave him**_…Sam had seen the sad determination, the resigned look of defeat…He wasn't planning on coming back…of coming away from this alive…Sam slammed the door on those thoughts…No. No, he wasn't gonna let that happen. He would save Dean, even from himself. He had to be ready…Dean might need him and he would be damned if he let him down this time. He steeled his nerves. He wasn't exactly on the best terms with the angels…they didn't like him before, when he had demon blood in him…when they could feel the blood of Azazel inside him, tainting him…corrupting him…their displeasure had only grown after he had willfully disobeyed and continued using his powers and after he had consorted with a demon to thwart them from smiting Anna…Would they even come? Would they listen to him? They might help Dean…they need him, apparently, though for God knows what as they had been exceedingly tight-lipped on the subject…Ok,…I can do this…it's not about me, it's about Dean….

"Castiel? Castiel, can you hear me? I need to talk to you!!! Please!!! If you can hear me, please, help me!!!!" Sam tried to keep his voice steady, though it was pretty much a lost cause. There was no answer. None. _**No, I can't give up**_, he thought. _**They've gotta come. It's Dean…they need him**_….Sam stood now, beating a path into the already thread-bare carpet.

"Castiel!!!!!!! Please!!!!! Please help me!!!! Please, God!!!! Just help me!!!" Sam said, the words burning his trashed throat as he repeated the mantra over and over again…At last, he collapsed to his knees, sobs shaking him, tear winding paths down his flushed face…"Please, God…please don't let him leave again…please. I can't lose him again…Please…Cas…if you're listening…if anyone is listening…please help me find him…" Sam bowed his head in sorrow, his clasped hands dropping to rest loosely in his lap…

"Well, well…now the little mud-monkey wants our help…typical…"

Sam's head snapped up as he heard Uriel snort derisively…"You came…Thank God…" he whispered in awe…

"How dare you even speak his name, you tainted, worthless piece of filth…you have no right…" Uriel was cut off by a sharp command from Castiel.

"Uriel. That is enough. You are walking dangerously close to blasphemy…Please go…I will handle this…" Castiel said, his gruff, low tone, brooking no rebuttal.

"Fine…you do that…" Uriel huffed out as he disappeared in a shushed fluttering of invisible wings.

Castiel watched him go, dropping his head for a moment, before dragging his rough, searing gaze up to meet Sam's eyes. Sam swallowed hard, he felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest. "What is it, Sam Winchester…why have you called for me…" he said gravely…

"I…um…well…it's Dean…he's missing…I think he might do something…I uh…I think he might do something bad…t-to himself…" Sam stuttered out…

Castiel cocked his head, his glaring sapphire eyes raking over the younger Winchester as if trying gauge the truth in his soul. He clasped his hands behind his back, studying Sam wordlessly. Sam squirmed slightly underneath his no-holds-barred scrutiny…

"Listen, Cas…this is my fault…I did this…don't take my mistake out on Dean…please…just help me find him before it's too late…" Sam said in a gasping rush, his courage guttering rapidly in the wake of the Angel of the Lord glaring sharply at him…

"I will find him Sam…pray for you sake that your misdeeds have not wrought irredeemable consequences for your brother…wait here…I shall return…" He said harshly before disappearing in the blink of an eye, the sound of rushing feathers lingering in the room, haunting Sam long after the actual sound had faded away…

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A/N: Got to thinking about this one and some of my older tales…thought I 'd get after it and work my mojo on updating some of them for y'all….

On a side note, please check out my profile!!! I have included links and a list of the line of Supernatural jewelry I am currently making and selling. Please, let me know if you have questions or ideas!!! Truly, I appreciate the feedback!!! Thanks!!!

Oh! And I'd be much obliged if you'd be so kind as to read and review…..


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